Ages Past

So many days, a whole year and few days (to be exact), have passed since the most traumatic moment of my life occurred. May 27, 2015 will always be a most significant day in my life. This is the day I received the call that my father had died in a motorcycle collision.

10404490_10153266360686888_6200164097065860190_n

I did not get the privilege of having my father raise me. As a matter of fact, he had no idea I was alive until I was seven years old. I do not blame my mother or anyone else for that lack of patriarchal influence in my life. I cannot do that to her or to them. Knowing I was not with him everyday made the grief of losing him harder and easier, simultaneously.

How can I have the right to mourn someone I loved when I had not seen them but a handful of times in my life, when my baby sister and brother lost the person they looked to for everything, everyday? Grief is strange. I know that I have the right to mourn the loss of my father, because of that, the fact he was my father.

He became more interested in my life as I grew old enough to be independent, though. He “surprised” me by attending my college graduation, and that is the moment I thought to myself.. “Brianna, it does not matter what he has, or has not, done all of these years. Love him. Dote on him. Let him see that no matter what happens, or where we end up in life, he will be able to be there for you.” So I did. I was the perfect daughter that graduation weekend. I hated to say goodbye. (He lives in Wisconsin, which is about 9 hours from Tennessee.) I had a few important days approaching and I was nervous and stoked about them. He was the only person, other than my lovely best friend Amanda, to remember to wish me luck on those days. I did not have to be talking to him or to continue a day long text thread.. he simply remembered the dates and showed me he cared with his quick words.

13442207_10153473256490916_2234086347179086638_n

… And that is why I hurt so much. He was starting to take interest in my life. He was coming around and talking to me more than ever. He was building a relationship with his eldest daughter. And then the tragedy hit.

It was 3:00 a.m. I was sleeping next to my then boyfriend. I do not know how or why I was able to wake up to my phone vibrating on a pillow, on the floor next to the bed, but I was. I noticed it was a call from Monroe. I knew I needed to answer it. I just was not ready for the words my grandmother had to say. I lost it. For days. I could not do anything but blame the universe for taking him from me when I just so suddenly was able to hold on tight.

To this day, I think.. What if I had gone to that In This Moment concert on graduation weekend? What if I had not taken my mom’s advice to come home the night before I walked across that stage? I would have missed one of my most cherished moments in life.. seeing him so proud of me. Grinning from ear to ear. Maybe I was given that one good weekend. It was all for me. Mine. So that I could appreciate the significance of small moments. The significance of a smile or a hug.

13319761_10153429733325916_3464814335475575836_n

I use this significance daily now. I do not take advantage of my family or those moments. I savor them..

I am stronger now. He is with me everyday.

His Fairytale.

Snow slowly hits the ground, flake after flake
Covering every tree and leaf, freezing out the lake
Stars shine brightly, as lights, to guide her way
In her scarlet dress, the wind, makes her sway
As she walks gracefully through the trees, awaiting the dawn
She smiles every second she thinks of him, every second he’s been gone
He’s in his castle, on his throne, waiting for her
Wishing love was like magic, it could just appear
With no one to hold close to him, only his crown and silk
He’s lonely but not alone,yet it feels the world is kept still
He stands up and drags himself to gaze out the window
And watches the snow fall like rain, hoping to see her through the blizzard and the haze

Shes a dream to him
Someone he thinks up to be perfect
And he’ll get all her wants from her
This is his fairytale 

He sees something faintly red, through all the trees
Not knowing how to react, he falls to his knees
Knowing that it must her, in her scarlet gown
Needing to knock his door, knock it to the ground
She’ll run to him with a smile that could light up the world
She’ll make his heart skip its beat
He’s fallen in love at just first sight
She’s just looking, longing for his invite
He helps himself to her hand, and they dance the night away
With chemistry and a love that forever plans to stay

This is his fairytale
He can have what he wants
She is all he thinks about
They have fallen in perfect love
Inside his fairytale

Not Enough for You

Feel the rush of the ocean as it meets the sand. 
The push of the waves coming in.   
Beach side walks meet city wishes.
Under the sky, the stars miss it.
Smiles of frantic fear.
Hatred that we wish to hold dear.
The motion of waves remind you of his kiss.
That lap of beauty to remember his bliss.
Tainted, alone.
Beautiful but stone.
And no one cares.
Just need you to be there.
Smiles seem distant most like the sunset.
The wish upon a star, that seems to hit reset.
Non-existent and invisible to your love.
Mysterious but appropriate.
All against none.
Unready to admit.
Sewn like lace on a murder glove.
Crash, burn.
Stabbed in the heart.
Mislead, unreal.
Broken apart.
Heartache, open throat.
Unclosed eyes.
Unbeautiful…

Not enough for you.

 

Ghostly Love

Sitting in the spot where I first saw you.
Wondering how you followed me through.
Centered in hardships and battles as I’ve managed to taste.
God must have given me you as my grace.
Yet as time passed your gone, disappeared.
But in my mind and heart, you sit still and appear.

Every minute I see your face, I always feel your pain.
Your gaze, mounts me in tears.
Its a waterfall in my eyes.
My smile awakes your wings.
Lift up and fly over me.

Ghostly form takes over you.
Transparent and alone.
Holding your treasure close to your heart.
Remembering your rest in peace stone.
Just as the rain hits calmly and still.
And at a glance, my body, it becomes chill.
So help me to see everything you wanted to be.
Because under a smile so faint and a gaze so strong.
You help me know exactly where I belong. 

Every minute I see your face, I always feel your pain.
Your gaze mounts me in tears.
Its a waterfall in my eyes.
My smile, awakes your wings.
Lift up and fly over me.

My ghostly love.

His Melody

His fingers dance across the keys.
His music comes to life with every chord.
His intensity increases with each press of the pedal.
I close my eyes so I can feel his story, 
Taste it, feel it, smell it. 
And when the music stops playing–
When his story has come to an end–
I find it hard to open my eyes. 
For each story he tells is a lullaby.

Delicacy and brilliance radiate from his every move. 
As I find the words to speak– he moves ever so close to me,
And my heart begins to race. 
What do I do? How do I breathe?
I feel his hands on my face. 
He leans in to look me in the eyes, then
His lips fall on mine.

His kiss paints a beautiful picture, 
One with a multitude of colors and hues.
As I felt his lips touch mine, 
A whirlwind of passion took over..
Encircling us, pulling us closer.

Reds, yellows, oranges for the fire that I have for him.
The one that burns deep in my eyes.
Blues, greens, and purples for the cool taste of his breath.
The sweet, sweet smell of mint.

The way he holds me close– 
I feel the love in his warmth.
All he has to do is smile, 
And my breathe escapes me.
I fall harder for him, day after day.
He makes me feel beautiful–without fail, 
Without delay.

All I have ever needed in my life–
There exists nothing have I wanted more.
We possess this love that flows so strong–
That, in forever, I plan to stay.
And for he will remain who I plan to adore.

A Light Dance

I see the way you look at me. The light dances in your eyes. Identical to a field of fireflies, or a blank stare at a twinkling sky.

I feel the need to kiss you now. An urge and desire to reach my hand out. You lean into my touch, and the fire in my soul, for you, blazes higher.

I feel the way your body moves–every movement you make when I touch you. You lose control of your senses, and your mind closes in on me.

Magnifico

I’m gazing into a never ending beauty. Mesmerizing, tantalizing. Throwing a warm, soft glow on everything it touches. Creating still and mysterious feelings. Deep magenta, passionate oranges, ever deepening violets and gray shadows for clouds. Bringing forth a passion and excruciating and sorrowful joy. Tears fall with a glance, slowly and surely with a gorgeous waterfall feel. You want to open your arms, spin around in a circle and breathe in every color. Every peace each portrait provides. The glow encircles and intertwines you with desire. A longing and yearning for love, a touch. To lose yourself in the moment. Closing your daring eyes for a single second creates a fear of losing and missing the luster and richness of this beauty. It takes so much to satisfy the need for breath when all the colors have gone and the moon has rose from its slumber. The night becomes sprinkled with gems. City lights shine the way for civilization. The stars light the way for romance. Celestial beauty is magnificent.

Facade

I look at you and lose every sense. This beauty in front of me is appalling. Words, thoughts, breaths–they escape me. My body reacts to your gaze. The beating of my heart, it races.

The excitement behind my cool facade.

A Drive Into The Sunset

Your eyes open a world of possibilities for me.

Nothing is quite as beautiful as you, not the sunset even.

With its array of colors, the beginning of one to its sequel—

You surpass it. You give me the deepest sense of belonging, make my heart nostalgic for a place to remain..

This moment is ours.

It is retained in our eyes and souls.

I get that feeling… the kind you get when you know it’s right and you can’t help but know it.     

Its when you can’t describe it perfectly but you are in awe.

The silence tells a story—

As the night drifts away, the color fades and the feeling doesn’t.

This is ours, all for us.

Most valuable to me and precious to envision.

I feel butterflies… How do I control it?

I don’t want to know.

They bring a thought provoking warmth and sensuality—passion and a deep fire.

It courses through my veins—becomes the oxygen I need to sustain my life.

I thrive for it.

My body aches with craving to lay my eyes on you, for them to feast on your beauty.

Your eyes send me through space—past celestial beauty and into something grandeur.

This is extraordinary.

I take a deep breath and all my senses come alive.

I touch your hand and my heart feels a jolt.

It sends chills… pulsing through my nervous system.

This is my drug. This is ecstasy.

I don’t want off this—its too endearing and empowering.

Is this what they call love?

My temperature rises when you take my lip with yours.

A kiss has never been so tantalizing. Am I drowning?

I’m not scared. I have faith in this and in us.

Move my hair and whisper in my ear.

Your touch screams gentleness and urgency..

Now tell me you love me.